I need to accept that I’ve done all I can do, that I can’t change anyone’s mind but my own if it doesn’t want to be changed. No matter my reasons, my explanations, their answer will always be that I need to change. Even though the reasons I give are the same ones that they hold close and believe in, mine will not be acceptable. The only way for them to accept the way I am and why I am that way is for them to change their minds, not for me to change.

The happiness I have is the one I need to concentrate on, to nurture and enjoy and revel in. I don’t need to worry about how to appease people that aren’t really there for me anyway.

There is no logic involved in what is going on. There is no way for me to flip a magic switch and have everything be OK. I need to find the happiness within myself, not to try to change what I am to make them happy.

I cannot explain myself to them with any hope of understanding.

I cannot react differently to get a more hopeful response.

I am not going to try to be who and how they want me to be. That’s not me, even if they don’t understand that.

They know who I am to them. I know who they are to me. Both of these may need to change, but they probably won’t. We just have to try to make the little adjustments, the ones that will make the tears and battles farther apart.

The important part is to be happy with who I am, how I am, where I am, and who I am with. That is what is important. It is.

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 I am sick. I am tired. I am tired of this. I am tired of you. I am tired of you taking advantage of me. I am tired of you telling me I’m overreacting and I’m tired of never being or doing right to you. I am tired of you overreacting and no one calling you on it. I am tired of your pretentiousness. I am tired of you skewing other people’s perceptions and opinions. I am tired of you making problems where there is happiness and understanding. I am tired of you having some sort of power over me and my feelings. I am tired of trying to stand up for myself and being told that I am wrong. I am tired of being dismissed. I am sick and I am tired. I am sick and tired of you.

You arrogant, pretentious, self-centered, overly dramatic, little son of a bitch.

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In other news, Jim and I are fine. A year and a half is rapidly approaching and the semester is already flying by. We just got two kittens, Parker and PB. They're wonderful and cute and ours!

It's infuriating to be so happy with my life, but still want to give up so much of the time for something I can't change or affect anymore. Jim's done what he can, too. It's getting to the point that I'm about to say fuck social whatever and yell and scream until something changes. I am tired of being the wrong one, the one that overreacts, the one that needs to change.

How can you make someone change their mind if they're permanently convinced that they're right?

The answer? You can't.